If you haven’t seen Downton Abbey, this post is going to make absolutely zero sense to you! Then again, if you haven’t seen Downton Abbey, this is a perfect reason to do so! I would like to point-out that there are a few “spoilers” lurking within this article…so read at your risk!
The one thing to know about this post is that I didn’t pair a wine with every Downton character – mainly because there’s so bloody many of them – but also because there’s quite a few drab ones in the bunch. (If you thought I was going to waste my time with Matthew Crawley, you have another thing coming!…..RIP.)
What follows is my own take on pairing wine the with cast of Downtown Abbey. Part two will follow in a few days – when I have the time to finish it – and will feature the staff. Enjoy!
The Earl of Grantham
Role: Head of the Crawley family.
Memorable quote: “They do say there’s a wild man inside all of us.”
Bio: Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham, makes a profession out of doing nothing for a living…and terrifically adept he is at it too! Well…apart from the fact that he nearly single-handedly bankrupted the Downton Estate!
According to the Forbes “Fictional 15,” a list documenting the wealth of fictional TV characters, The Earl of Grantham sits comfortably at #14, right behind Montgomery Burns (of Simpsons fame).
If he were a wine he would be: 
Why?: Big, bold, a little-bit stupid, but with plenty of history! Never really given the respect they both “deserve,” the Earl of Grantham and Napa Valley Syrah have a tendency to rest on their laurels and pray that – with a little more time – everything will work itself out…
The Countess of Grantham
Role: Lord Grantham’s wife.
Memorable Quote: “You take over every room in the house, you bark at me like a sergeant major and you give orders to my servants!”
Bio: Born in Cincinnati on July 18 1868, Cora was the only daughter of a dry goods multi-millionaire. Lovable and affectionate, Lady Grantham can most days be found taking routine 1-hour tea breaks with her daughters in the library and trying to figure-out which idiot dropped the soap in the bathroom…
If she were a wine she would be: 
Why?: Simple and easy-going, yet no-one really knows why they came to be worth so much! People really don’t seem to mind spending time with an overpriced glass of Pinot Grigio; although, much like the Countess, deep-down everyone knows that it’s just mutton dressed up as lamb.
Lady Mary Crawley
Role: Eldest daughter of Lord and Lady Grantham.
Memorable Quote: Sir Richard: “I want you to marry me.”
Lady Mary Crawley: “Why?”
Sir Richard: “Because I think very highly of you.”
Lady Mary Crawley: “Very highly. Goodness.”
Bio: Lady Mary Crawley counts killing Turkish diplomats in her bedroom, being violently ill with the Spanish flu, and psychologically abusing her younger sister Edith, among her many hobbies. Mary is used to getting all the attention, especially from men, much to the dismay of Edith.
If she were a wine she would be:
Why?: They’ve both “been around the block a few times,” but everyone “enjoys” a good cheap Malbec! If you’re looking for a good time, “grocery-store Malbec” is where it’s at – but much-like Lady Crawley – some people question whether it has what it takes to rise through the ranks and prove their worth.
Lady Edith Crawley
Role: Middle daughter of Lord and Lady Grantham.
Memorable Quote: Lady Edith Crawley: “..am I to be the maiden aunt? Isn’t this what they do? Arrange presents for their prettier relations?”
Countess of Grantham: “Don’t be defeatist dear, it’s terribly middle class.”
Bio: Lady E. has the unfortunate role of being the middle daughter to Lord and Lady Grantham. The “red-headed stepchild” in the family, Edith was the first of the Crawley family to learn how to drive an automobile, taking lessons from her chauffeur. She can often be found chasing cows around the farm on her tractor, and other middle-class shenanigans.
If she were a wine she would be: 
Why?: Greek Moschofilero can be a beautiful wine, when treated correctly; but for the most part, no one really cares to get to know it any better than they already do. Lacking the level of charm and sophistication of others in its “price point,” both are yet to prove whether they have the ability to age gracefully and provide value over time.
Lady Sybil Branson
Role: Youngest daughter of Lord and Lady Grantham
Memorable Quote: “No one ever learned anything from a governess except for French, and how to curtsy.”
Bio: Poor old Lady Sybil! Everything was going great for the heiress; but after delivering her child, she began to experience a series of severe fits (due to eclampsia) and was unable to breathe and – in one of the saddest moments in TV history – passed away. Sybil’s famous last words were: “Argh, my head!”
If she were a wine she would be:
Why?: With alcohol levels oftentimes approaching 18%, Australian Shiraz can give you a headache that will make you wish you were never born!
Dowager Countess of Grantham
Role: Lord Grantham’s mother.
Memorable Quote: “I couldn’t have electricity in the house, I wouldn’t sleep a wink. All those vapors floating about!”
Bio: The most quoted character in “The Abbey.” Originally dead-set against her son Robert’s marriage to American heiress Cora Levinson, she eventually came around. Money will do that to a lady!
If she were a wine she would be:
Why?: The Dowager Countess of Grantham is about as dry as they come! Both her and her wine pairing have the ability to strip the enamel off your teeth just by looking in their general direction, and occasionally – depending on who you are – leave an extremely bitter taste in your mouth!
It should be pointed out though that both the Countess and French Muscadet don’t care if you like them. They’ve been on this planet for longer than you, and will almost certainly outlive your weak soul!
